The Planning

I plan. That's what I do. I make lists and outlines, pack and unpack and repack, and worry about things like schedules and scenarios. So that's been the process of the last few days. Now I'm running out of things to do to keep myself busy.

My paperwork is in order. Pre-op work is done. Kids fall clothes are sorted in (including some matching of outfits) and summer clothes sorted out. New pajamas and sweatpants are purchased, washed, folded, and packed. Toiletries are packed. The house is cleaned. A "kid instruction sheet" is typed, along with a list of volunteer helpers. All of Benjamin's activities are added to the calendar.

What is left? What am I missing? Surely there is something else I can do now to make sure things are easier later! Isn't there something I can color code with highlighters or something?

Ah! Need to purchase those scrub caps..

All this busywork is definitely necessary. The more time that passes, the more anxious I get. I'd be lying if I said I slept well the last two nights. I've been tossing and turning with crazy dreams, including one last night where I accidentally took aspirin a week before surgery and they told me it now had to be postponed. The busywork is a nice distraction.

There are my weepy moments, too. When I put my new pajamas into my to-go bag, the 'realness' of it all really hit me, and it hasn't left since then. I get weepy again when I think of things I'd like to do with the kids sometime. Small things like duckpin bowling. Yes, all will almost surely be okay and by winter most everything will pretty much be past me. But the uncertainly of not knowing 100% that I will be fine is, well, terrifying. I also try to think logically, "Well hey, some crazy driver could run you off the road at anytime, and you don't worry about that." I guess it's just that I'm in a car almost everyday, but I've never let an acquaintance cut open my head and scoop at my brains before.

So at the moment the emotional outweighs the physical. My neck is worse this week, and this morning's headache never 100% went away. The big bottle of tylenol only has 2 doses left in it, so that's a milestone, I guess.

I do have to say again a huge thank you to everyone who has read and followed along and offered help and warm thoughts. It really does make a difference! Make sure you go back to August and read "The Thank You"! It still applies.
To everyone who offered help, what I did was made a list with your names and numbers and any specific things you wanted to help with or times you are free if you mentioned them. This list will be out for my family to call you all when they find something we need. It's just easier that way, because as much as I'd normally like to, I don't think I'll be up for orchestrating helpers while I'm "out of duty".

Finally, just to make sure this post ends on a not-so-mopey note, here's an experiment to try:
Push your tongue into the inside of your cheek on the left side. Now do it to the right side. Is the resistance the same? For me, it feels like my cheek is really thin and stretchy on the left, but there is much more resistance on the left. It's weird, and I never would have noticed it before.
Also, you just made yourself look silly.

EDIT TO ADD - One last thing I just thought of. I hope this doesn't come off as rude, but I wanted to ask that anyone thinking about flowers please not send any. Our cats will just make a mess of them and it will be a disappointment for all. :)