The Last Hours

Wow, the countdown clock as I type this now reads 8 hours, 25 minutes.

I've been thinking for weeks just exactly what I might write on my last pre-op post. Ideas have mostly included award speech type lists of thank yous and/or things I'm grateful for. But honestly, how is it possible to even begin to list all of that out. The sheer number of just people that I have to thank is huge. I can't begin to express how much the outpouring of support has meant to me. I really never knew how many people out there really care until this last month, and it's been so overwhelming.

But, to try.... (Don't be offended if I forget someone! I do have a brain tumor after all [and only a few more hours to use that excuse]!)
Thanks to everyone that's followed along, sent a message, sent warm thoughts and prayers, and offered help in so many ways. Thanks to all of my family and friends who have made up a list of over 30 'volunteers' we can call on in the coming weeks. Thanks to my friends at Maryland General and University of Maryland for your cards and collections and boxes of fruit. Thanks to the Stitch and Bitch ladies for the most beautiful quilt! Thanks to Jenn for my comfy knit slippers. Thanks to everyone who's kept me occupied the last month so I didn't go stir crazy. Thanks to my parents, through birth and through marriage. Thanks to my kids and my husband for just being them.

I also thought maybe I'd be able to post some sort of spiritual epiphany or life lesson to share. It hasn't really come, though. At least, not the epiphany. I remember that hectic hour or so in the ER between when they told me the results of the CT scan (that I had a brain tumor) and the results of the MRI scan (that it appeared noncancerous), where I felt a panic that I didn't "get it" yet. That whole "meaning of life" thing. While laying in the MRI tube, I was staring up at a scratch in the paint of a blue stripe that ran the length of the tube, listening to the random clicks and hums and other terrifying noises it makes around your head. For a moment, a split second, I though "Oh my god I already died, and this is it. I will be in a tube with weird noises around me for the rest of forever!" Maybe I shouldn't share that, I don't want it to be upsetting to anyone, but it was an interesting moment to me.

Anyway, I think the only really conclusion I've come to is, "It doesn't really matter." I may want to "get it", but I probably never will, if there is anything to "get" in the first place, and it doesn't matter. It just is, and it's great.

As for how I've been feeling...
Last night, as we drove away after dinner at my parent's house, the house I grew up in, I started to feel just bad. Like a big ball of nerves rolling down a rollercoaster track. I ended up feeling so much like I was going to vomit that I took a zofran, one side effect of which is drowsiness, so I did finally fall asleep. I just couldn't help but think about all the possible situations and outcomes, and being a nurse and having been in OR cases before, I could almost hear the doctors and nurses saying all these scary things.

During the day today I had some business-type things to try to figure out and phone calls to make that stressed me. Especially with how over-prepared I'm trying to be. I'm hoping that it's all straight now or straight enought that it can wait until I'm out of the hospital. We'll see how long that ends up being, whether it's the three days insurance pre-approved or the six to ten the doctor said I'd probably need.

Tonight I'm feeling an odd sense of calm. Of course I was teary putting everyone to bed, but I know it's not going to be the last time. I sure will miss the kids while I'm in the hospital. At least I should be bored enough without them that it will force me to rest, because I know I'll need it most.

Speaking of which, I suppose I should try to catch at least two or three hours sleep before I have to be up. I had considered staying up tonight, especially when anticipating that I would be, well, a mess. However, I think I could sleep pretty well, so it's probably worth trying.

I hope everyone enjoys the indian summer this week is supposed to bring, along with the rain. Let me be the first to say Happy Fall! My family will likely be updating the blog at some point for me, so keep on the look out for updates.

And I'll catch you on the flip side.